Free but with what cost.
Hey all, I'm Jonne. I'm 21 years old and I've been struggling with my porn/sex-addiction for since I can remember. Please bear with me if you will, I know it's a long text...
The Week before the last week was just horrible. I got back from the army and I had fought and fallen with porn on almost every leave I had in the army. So now I fell and fell over and over again. I just prayed and prayed for God to help and started feeling like this is my life until the end. Very desperate and very sad. This horrific behaviour went on for a few days until I just gathered myself and decided that I'm God's soldier and I'm declaring a war. I chose to fight and even though I would fall I promised myself that I would continue my struggle without tiring.
After the day I made that promise, this happened:
I was between a choice now again to watch or just try and do something else... I couldn't remember when was the last time I had not fallen in this situation but now I chose to fight with very big temptations... and I just started to play this online game. There I joined a group of people by what I would not think as an accident or any chance anymore but through God leading me actually.
There was this girl there who after a while of general chatting started talking with me privately. We went on and on about everything and I told her about my problem and my relationship with God and everything. Then few days went by and we would just sit down and talk and we both started noticing that we were developing feelings towards each other and we were quite scared and embarrassed of the thought of developing emotions towards someone you've only met online.
!!! Now here comes the issue !!! (for lazy readers)
I felt so free and just so light and I felt love for the first time in a very long time. We got to know each other, we called each other until where just anything was left to meet each other in real life. I didn't have any lust, not any temptation towards porn anymore. I didn't even want to watch it, it still disgusts me the whole thought.
So few days ago something just came over me. Just suddenly and out of nowhere, ever since I've felt this anxious suffocating feeling. And my heart is all heavy. The Feelings are either gone or buried under this but it's horrible. Still don't want to watch porn but I'm beginning to wander if I'm capable of letting anyone near me anymore, or capable of having feelings towards someone. This is just tearing me, I don't know what to do. I'm so scared that I've lost my capability to love and I don't know whether it's my violent and hateful childhoot, or me getting dumped by my fiancee real bad few years ago, or just the porn problem that's behind this.
I don't want to watch it, but still I think the struggle goes on...
I'm so burdened by this.
Comments
yeah i backslide all the time, we all sin all week. all month, all year but you know man, just resist, resist the devil, resist porn, get your mind on something different like you did with the video game thing, you did good like i didnt give in yesterday to type in one of my favorite porno womens name and beat off to her real quick.just everything takes time, and i dont want to make my angel sad by it/(him or her) standing here watching over me watching my rub my shit to death cause i know i can make jesus happy with my good actions, and if you make him happy, you make god happy. thats the best thing ever. cause hes #1.pe@ce brahhh
It is difficult to allow a compassionate woman near you. I do not know if this relates, yet I have noticed that because of the porn, I become so unaccustomed to a person that wants to get close to me. It is difficult to process. Take it one day at a time and you should be fine.
Thanks for your encouragement Jussi. I know that giving up is the last thing to do and I do not intend to give the enemy that pleasure. I'm at war and that means battle. And I'm not giving up. I'll continue to push forward with all I've got. As long as I'm with God, I'll be on my way to heaven.
Yeah it was WoW and actually I even don't spend much time with my computer anymore, used to but not after the army so much. There were a lot of weird "coincidences" with me "meeting" her. I could make a list but that would take a while actually.
The Thing is that there is no way running from your lust or those situations where you get tempted. You can only fight your way out without falling. Resisting the very thought from the beginning is important. I've been free for the days of the week now at least and already I'm trying to lie to myself that I was never hooked. My sinful nature is trying it's best to rise again.
Anyways, thanks for your prayers. They mean a lot to me. Stay strong brother.
God keep you all and bless you.
Hi finquilizer!
I've an addict for two years. But I've been free from Monday morning and really happy about it! I'm fighting now as hard as I can, but not in my own power, but in JESUS! "I can do all things through the One who strengthens me.â€
I am only 16 and half, but I still want to encourage you!
There IS a freedom in Jesus! Yet again Paul says in the Philippians: I can do all things through the One who strengthens me.
You must just KEEP fighting, you must NOT give up! Never, EVER give up! Satan just wants that you fall and tries to tell you will never get free. You WILL get free!
God does not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear, says the Bible! There is ALWAYS a way out of the temptation!
I suppose you were playing WoW, or whatever it was. That sounds that you spend a lot of time on computer. Same for me. Satan attacks REALLY hard on the Internet. I know what's it like.
Just shut off your computer if you're tempted and FLEE to God praise and pray Him, or read Bible! Listen to praise music an praise him!
By the way, try spend as little as you can on computer, or get rid of it completely. Then the temptation is removed. Also same for TV if it's the issue. I haven't done that myself, because I simply haven't enough willpower to do it. I need computer for playing games and to be in contact with many people, but it's good to get rid of it if possible.
Sorry that I can't help you much in that loving-capability issue, but all I can say God WILL heal you COMPLETELY from all traces porn has left in you!
Go to porn-free.org to find more info, it's not my site, but there's many recovery stories, tons of sample prayers and so on. It's a really good site, there's also a healing prayers etc. !
Use your hands to praise God, NOT to masturbate! I'll now pray for you this little prayer:
Thank you Jesus for Jonne and for his courage to fight this HORRIBLE thing! Thank you Lord for saving Jonne and cleansing him completely from sin!
Now I BEG you Lord, set Jonne FREE IN THE NAME OF JESUS CHRIST RIGHT NOW! Set him free from ALL the lust and ties that porn has in him!
HEAL Jonne from all traces porn has left in him! Healing process may take a while, but give Jonne power to carry on! Let Jonne read Your word every day, pray all the time and praise you as much as possible! Thank you Lord, THANK you Jesus, HALLELUJAH! In the name of Jesus Christ Lord, I pray.
Amen. I hope I helped you!
GOD BLESS YOU WITH HIS GREAT LOVE!!!