My accountability thread too
Thu, 07/01/2010 - 06:00
Hey brothers,
So last night I messed up and watched a movie I know would have nudity in it. And I masturbated to it. At this point, just trying to remember the Gospel and know that I'm forgiven and loved. I am a new creation because of what Christ did. Please be praying for me. In Grace and Peace.
Comments
I'm grateful for the church because this fight is day to day. Not having internet at home is a huge help for me too. Yeah, my masturbation has really dropped over the past couple of months, but I did screw up last night. No porn, by God's grace. The thing I'm grateful for is that being able to battle down the porn/masturbation issue is that it has really started to clearly show me there are bigger issues. I think I've talked about it before, but it's been a good time of clarity beyond that. My problem with a well balanced schedule and keeping some good practices/routines. My problem with enjoying being drunk way too much. My pride. My desire to control a woman. My desire to be adored by a woman. My lack of wanting to really serve another person. My desire to be pleasured. My hardness to receiving correction. My desire to be right. My thinking that somehow being wit a woman will save me from my thoughts of inadequacy, feelings of loneliness, and thoughts that I am incomplete.
I can tell my desire for God ebbs and peaks, but His desire for me doesn't. I'm grateful that He "remembers that we are dust." I struggle so much with repenting and rejoicing. I struggle with screwing up and reminding myself that's when I can praise God the loudest. I have this feeling that somehow I take my sin lightly if I'm not crushed by it. But Christ didn't die so that I could keep locking myself up in a prison of despair and torment. Christ died to free me. Who am I to say I am unforgiven if Christ says I am forgiven? He says I am clean. He says I am loved. Resist the devil and the despair he feeds. He will flee before the love of Christ. Evil can only lie and threaten. My God is victorious and has set me free.
Psalm 103
Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.
2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-
3 who forgives all your sins
and heals all your diseases,
4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,
5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.
6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.
7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:
8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;
16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.
17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-
18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.
19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.
20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.
21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.
22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.
Hey guys, I've got to say that as these past few months of battle have been going on, it feels like a different battle to me. There are times where I get depressed or anxious, but every night doesn't feel like a battle already lost. More often than not, it feels like a battle already won. And that's the reality. The battle has been won. I claim no ownership on my changed heart because I still find myself thinking old thoughts or hoping for glimpses of women (nude or close to it). But I want to fight. I don't want to give up. And when I screw up, I see God's grace still there. Still freely given and that I never lost it. I'm a screw up, but I'm a forgiven, accepted screw up.
I look back on all this, and I see some other friends struggling with the vicious circle. And I think something that was different was that I had to actually want this. I know that in some ways, I will probably never be free of the temptation of chasing after women. I'm sure there will still be a piece of desire in me when I see a beautiful woman when I'm 80, but there's something different in all this. I'm not trying to fight it because of what other people think. I'm not trying to fight because I don't want to look bad. I'm fighting because I want to be free. I'm not trying to please my Father in Heaven. I'm not trying to please my father on earth. I'm not trying to please my pastor or my boss. I'm not trying to please some girl or my future wife whoever that might be. I want to be free. I'm trying to be the man my Father in Heaven made me to be. I want to worship Him, but I'm not trying to earn his approval by my actions. I can't win His approval. What I can do is fight for my life with everything I have. He already fought for me. He's already won that battle. So as I battle every single day, I need to remember that I want this. There are times where I don't feel like I want this. But those moments are moments. And every other time in my life when I am walking in the Light, I know that I want to be free. I love the freedom that has come from not feeling like I am chained up in some cage. I'm not clean because I don't look at porn, but I'm now no longer caught in a maze of despair. And I praise God for offering me the only glimpse of hope that I've seen. Keep fighting, brothers.
I just saw the verse of the day over at BibleGateway after my last post:
“Great peace have they who love your law, and nothing can make them stumble.”- Psalm 119:165
Do I keep the law perfectly every day, every moment? Nope. But I have peace because the law is lovely to me.
Do I mess up? Yep. But I will not stumble when I misstep. By God's grace alone, the Law which my body hates has become beautiful to me.
HOLY CRAP!!!!
Not everyone will but I for one beleive this is where you want to be. When I figured this out a sence of freedom like none other washed over my body. Gods grace I suppose! Just dont get cocky....know your place. With great freedom and power comes great responsiblity. You can go from where you are now back to hell in 1 or 2 days of weakness. Set your boundries and stay within them and LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!
You have come a long way in my opinion...congratulations!
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"A fight is not won by one punch, either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard" Bruce Lee
Thanks, man! I appreciate the encouragement and the warning. It's really easy for me to be careless when I think I've "arrived." I can also be my worst critic when I screw up. I almost have a drill sergeant in my head that keeps trying to tear me down. I'm starting to realize that voice is not my friend, but I have been listening to him for a very long time.
Just gotta keep remembering who sustains me. Who is life giving, and what isn't. What is flashy, and what is under the surface. What's under the surface is that people created in the image of God are being abused and exploited by a system and an Enemy that doesn't give a damn about them. There's a system that wants to turn us into commodities and wants us to commodify ourselves.
The Enemy has patience. We do not. He tries to make us forget reality. Reality that we are in God's Hands. Time might heal all wounds, but time also dulls alertness. Routine that builds discipline can turn into the point, and the heart of the battle falls asleep. I caught myself today turning God into an afterthought. But God is good and forgives. God is not a means to an end. He isn't my 12 step program to get off porn. He is the goal. He is the prize, and He is the means to get there. Father, keep me in your Hands. Forgive my plans that elevate me. Forgive my desire to push my agenda, and my lack of faith in You. Father, thank you for your love and grace.
I had this feeling that as I was reflecting on where I was in terms of relationships God was trying to get one word across: patience.
In frustration, I wanted to know for how long. How long am I supposed to wait? Is it supposed to be for 6 months? A year? 5 years? And as soon as I asked the question, I realized that if I had a time limit that isn't exactly patience. It's endurance, but not patience. It's not contentment.
Heard a message at church this weekend about the 10th commandment. Thou shalt not covet. Like the only commandment that deals with desire. It talks explicitly about desiring something that isn't lawful. While the aim of the 10 commandments was to point us to God's heart, they were very action oriented. A person could point to the law and say, "I haven't killed anyone." But Jesus turns all that upside down. However, with coveting, that's something different. It's in the heart. It's in the mind. It's wanting something that we aren't meant to have. And the guy from our church brought up a document (I can't remember which) that framed the ten commandments with the "Thou shall not"s being coupled with a corresponding "Thou shall"s So "Thou shall not covet" also said "And I will be content."
Content. Patience. Not saying, "When Lord?" instead saying, "When you please, Lord." God, let that be my heart. Please.
Keep slugging. Don't give the Enemy an inch. I backslide. I fall, but He is faithful to renew and regenerate. Cling to Him with every iota of sanity and energy. God forgive me anxiety. Forgive my self-dependency and pride. Remind me of your love. Busy-ness is my enemy. It drains me. Makes me run the maze desperately. Makes me think I can save myself. And when I can't hold on to it any more, it tells me that the I should reward myself with devouring women with my mind and eyes. It makes me forget my King and High Priest. Pray for me Lord. Plead my case before the Most High. Let me see my place bought by your blood. Let me sit in my throne with fear, thankfulness, hope, and love. Let me tremble at your voice, and stand with arms raised in adoration.
I'm on Day 100 and Day 1. Victory is on yours to give, but having victory does not mean that I am free of the battle. Every day is the fight of my life.
Sanctification is tough and on going. So I keep getting images of the old stuff hitting me, but still glad that God is reminding me of the freedom that He has given me.
I did screw up earlier this week, but it was born out of drunkenness.
It wasn't porn. It was a movie that had brief nudity. None of those things make it better. However, I think I'm starting to see the layers behind. In fact, it also made me see that I need to repent of my view of alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic, but I don't have a healthy view or relationship with it. I haven't been an encouragement to my roommates, and at times I've been an enabler to friends and brothers in Christ. The drinking might not be porn, but it is a place that I'm going to for comfort that isn't God. I'm seeking to indulge that is leading to bad places. I'm not forsaking drinking all together, but I do know that I need to step away and give it some time.
All that to say, sin is sin. Thankfully, I'm not CHASING after sin that is part of an enslaving, exploitative industry, but I'm not exactly running from industries and products that run on some of the same marketing schemes.
Trying to remember His love daily.
I should also praise God for giving me the courage to say something to my roommate very quickly after I masturbated this week. I didn't let it sit in the shadow and grow comfortable. I brought it into the light so God could prune. Thank you, Father.
So my lack of internet is awesome with the whole not looking at porn thing. It's pretty great really, but I know that a huge source of encouragement, humility, and dependence on God was really coming to this forum. It has been a very good tool to point me to Christ, and I've been struggling recently. My mind has been letting scenarios play out WAY too long.
I suppose I should spell that out a bit. I get to the place of thinking of being with a woman and I let it play out for about 30-45 seconds. Some of you may guffaw (I just said, guffaw... :D), but if you are honest, 45 sec with a woman in your head is enough time to do all sorts of things. And then the back and forth battle comes in. Me trying to push images out of my head, but my heart being nauseatingly in love with that bullshit. So the battle rages on.
I've been pretty grateful that it has (generally) not spilled over into seeking a woman, running for porn, or masturbating. There has been a time or two that did happen, but mostly I haven't gone to the next step. A few times I would have, but God made it kind of impossible to be alone during those times. Whew.
But as that is by His grace, I haven't been running to Him in those times either. There have been times I could have brought my pain to my roommates or brother in Christ in prayer, but I resisted. I've also been worshiping old gods of comfort, drinking, and video games. (Yeah, video games. Some of you might feel me on that.)
And I started to slip into depression. I could see it. I could feel it. And I knew where it was coming from. By God's Grace,
I kicked a lot of that crap out of my routine. So I'm walking on a healthier path again, but I can't get cocky. My heart will CONSTANTLY try to worship anything but God. And when I am in that place, the most powerful God that ran my life will try to reclaim the throne of my heart. Fuck that. God, I want you. In my brokenness, I know I want you more. Thank you, Father for your love.
Well, last night was a real stupid move. I found a song on my laptop that I thought I had streamed. Then I found it that it had downloaded itself to my computer. Then I found some old porn movies that were in the same place.
I had the chance to delete them, but I didn't. Well, I did after I watched them. So yeah, it's good I don't have internet at home, but I am still as prone to jump at old habits. I am still desperately sinful and desperately in need of Christ's love.
This morning was a real crap situation as the Enemy and my body were hungry. I don't want to back slide into depression and anxiety, but porn and masturbation do lead to depression. I remembering reading that, and I can feel it just sitting on top of me right now.
Father, I am in desperate need of You. You bring me to places of healing, and I constantly want sickness. God, thank you for removing my transgressions from me. You bring peace when I plant pain. You redeem. I don't. I can't even redeem myself. God, thank you for a constant salvation. I am not a fortress that is built and left. I am a branch that needs constant attention. You give me constant attention. You give your children constant attention.
God, I repent. Father, build me up. Let me turn to brothers in prayer. Thank you God for many signs of Grace.
Keep fighting man, pursue God with all your strength.
"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more," Romans 5:20b
Trust in Him, for He WILL deliver you from this. God bless you!
"This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh." Galatians 5:16Thanks brother. That's a good word. :-)
Plenty of material in this world to steal my heart and worship. Still clinging with what I can. Reading His Word and remembering His Love, Grace, Promises, Kingship, and Joy.
A good fight song: Uprising by Muse. Of course, they are talking about religion, but it's a much better suited song to fight porn with. "They will not degrade us." Hopefully a song sons and daughters created in God's image can sing about porn too. Porn is not victim-less.
Should be praying for people in the industry more. Yeah, that would be good. Time to pray like God is listening because He is.
I slept well last night. I know that is by God's grace, but on reflection I realize how much of a grace that was. I was looking for a movie to watch before bed, and I came across a flick that was porn. Sadly, I clicked on the link, but thankfully there was no movie.
Wastintimenomore was right in his recent posts. I know I have a long way to go, but I'm trying to see porn as my enemy. Not an embarrassment or guilty pleasure. It is my enemy.
I was praying with some of the men of my church this morning, and talking to a friend recently, he reminded me of the damage porn does to women. It destroys lives. I freak out about different injustice (human trafficking, exploitative work conditions, etc.) But I am still not infuriated about porn.
Even writing this, the Enemy is tempting me with bullshit in my brain. I just have to concern myself with today. I am redeemed. I am a loved son.
Ok, I guess this is day 2. I was close again last night. Didn't go looking for movies which is a step in the right direction, but even coming across a news article had a sexual tone/pictures! I can't even read the news without seeing some sort of sex scandal promoted. So I almost jumped into masturbating.
This morning I also had the urge to act out. I don't often feel the urge in the morning, but Satan is not letting up. I prayed and reminded myself that I am a new creation in the Lord, bought with a price. I am no longer a slave to sin.
It is only by God's grace that anything is going to change because this is only two days in, and I feel like a wreck. Just gotta get through another day. Thank you Father for Covenant Eyes and the Panic Button!
Ok, internet has been kind of crazy which has been a gift of its own. I haven't viewed porn or movies with nudity/overly charged sexuality, but I did masturbate on the 4th. I know I need to be encouraged by some of these different steps forward, but every step back roughs me up. That or sometimes I feel numb to it, which then makes me feel like crap. That I KNOW I should have a problem with what I did, and I seem remorseless. Then again, I've been talking to a counselor and he's trying to shake me out of this idea that I somehow I need to mortify myself before God before I can ask forgiveness. Not true. Anyway, today's a good day. I had some crazy sex dream which was messing with me when I woke up, but Satan has no power.
Therefore Jesus said again, "I tell you the truth, I am the gate for the sheep. All who ever came before me were thieves and robbers, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate; whoever enters through me will be saved. He will come in and go out, and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep."
So I guess I'm back to Day 1? It's hard to categorize this. During my daily news/comic reading, I came across a pretty sexually charged story. Sadly, I followed up on it. I didn't end up masturbating which I REALLY wanted to do, but I tried to cling to God despite my willful disobedience. And then last night, I felt temptation whispering, and by God's grace, I hit the panic button on my Covenant Eyes software. lol, that was like the first time I did in the middle of a panic and not a premeditated move before I felt the urge. And thankfully, God was able to carry me through a strong desire to masturbate. So I'm still stuck with that damn story in my head which is screaming at me, but I'm trying to fight. Just gotta get through today and lean on God. It's good to have a place to get this out there.
For 1 day you were in control, barely, but in control. You did good,temptation is everywhere. Dont beat yourself up if you have a dirty image in your mind or you stumble in to the wrong place. As long as you are in contol and not allowing it to take the wheel then I think that is a good thing and where God would want you for now.
Take it slow, one urge, one fight, one day at a time. Check back in tommorow and have a blessed night Brother.
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"A fight is not won by one punch, either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard" Bruce Lee
Thanks, brother. I appreciate the encouragement!
Ok! Crazy battle last night. No sleep. Very painful, but God was good. Prayed a lot, quoted scripture to myself. I'm exhausted, but encouraged by God's grace.
Feeling pretty good. Still struggling with how much I'm checking some women out. God has been good to walk with me, and remind me that He loves for me. Also reminding me that all women were created in His image. It's been pretty good using the Panic Button early on in the evening before I get distracted or tempted.
God be praised, brothers!
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
Damn. Ok, don't want to let this spiral into a depression cycle. Last night it ended in loneliness after drinking with some friends and playing boardgames. Got back and tried to look up an old girlfriend's facebook. Good thing no go, but I did end up finding pics of girls in bikinis basically. Knew where it was going before it started, and didn't choose to hit the Panic Button. Need to start rethinking how I'm drinking, even with Christian friends. It does lead to debauchery, even if it's solo. So I know I'm trying to rationalize myself, but I am encouraged that it wasn't more intense. I didn't get into nudity or movies. I don't want to excuse myself, but I don't want the Enemy to kick me while I'm down. God is good, and He has forgiven me. Today is Day 1, and I am forgiven.
Ok, last night was REAL difficult, but God's grace got me through. I was also given a bit of a gift today. I watched an interview on cnn.com about an author talking about taking a year off from sex, and she had some pretty good things to say about the state of our culture's view of sex and how it has become this crazy fantasy thing that is no longer just a private intimate act (hmmmm... where have I heard this language before?). So even though she isn't coming from a Christian perspective, it's funny how she views what is basically what we are saying about God's design for sex as a healthier one than what our society is saying out. Anyway, I posted that to my facebook wall with the caption "Wow, the media is actually highlighting a healthier way to view sex." And an old friend of mine (who has been pretty cynical about my return to God) wrote, "healthier than what? LOL, you do realize how funny this is coming from you, right?" Man, as much as I don't see it at times, God really has made a MASSIVE change in my life in terms of sex, lust, porn, strip clubs, the whole nine yards. Praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!!!
Sounds like you are coming along nicely! It is just the beginning of things that will be changing in your life...all for the good. Keep up the good work.
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"A fight is not won by one punch, either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard" Bruce Lee
Day 3! I just need to make smart decisions, and trust in and rely on God's grace. I meet with my accountability brothers last night, and it was super encouraging. Just reminded that we are warriors in a spiritual battle and the gates of hell cannot withstand us. Satan in a bitch. He comes to destroy, but has no power. It is God who gives us power over the Enemy. By His grace I am saved. Satan whispers or screams and everything He can, but he is nothing compared to my Father. Thanks for the encouragement, wastintimenomore!
Woo! Praise God! Had a crazy sex dream last night. But even in my dream, God's grace was good. lol, I preached the Gospel to myself IN MY DREAM! God is good, and His mercies are beyond measure. Man, I hate Satan. I hate him a lot. He kept trying to come at me from a million different places. And he knew how to fight me. Thank you, Father for your grace and love. Thanks for your prayers, brothers!
Wow, God is good. Was feeling a little antsy over the past few days. Have been getting hit pretty hard by mental images, but I've been hearing God's voice more clearly. It has also been really loving without Satan trying to distort it into condemnation. Well, he's been trying, but I haven't been listening.
Had a sex dream last night. It was pretty painful. And I sat there longer than I wanted, but my heart is evil. And that's why Jesus died for me.
I also made some steps in other addictions. I've been unable to fall asleep for a number of years unless I fell asleep to a movie. I've been stepping away from that.
I had a really great conversation with a friend and counselor of mine and finally admitted to myself and him that I am really vain. I mean, really vain. I've never said those words out-loud to anybody, and I normally don't even let myself go very far in that conversation because of how painful and scary it is. But God is helping me open my hands a little bit more on even that.
Thank you, Father, for being loving.
Man, last night was very difficult. I was on the edge of masturbating. And this waking up this morning, still half asleep, I was way tempted. Thank you God for keeping me in your hands. I was made in Your image, and so was every other person on this planet.
Brothers, please keep me in your prayers. A young, good looking neighbor of mine ran into me on the street with a friend and was not modest in her dress. She also said that I should connect with her soon. Thank our good Father that I am going on a trip for like two weeks starting today, but that damn scenario is screaming to be played in my mind. Satan, get bent. I am held in God's Hands by His grace alone. Father, let me love you with all my heart. To see the danger of thinking about my neighbor and seeing it as the path of destruction. Father let me see her and myself as created in your image, and that you died for both of us. Let me have wisdom and peace. Thank you God.
Uuughh... I'm hurting pretty bad guys. I'm also starting to come down from off the mountain top and back into the trenches. I'm feeling pummeled pretty hard all the time. I'm feeling exhausted, and if I'm truly honest, I've questioned why I'm doing it. Check that, Satan has been asking me why I'm doing it, and there are times where I don't fully understand my answer. I'm almost giving out a mantra. Like a line of poetry you remember, but forgot it's complete significance. I remember it's beautiful and true, but don't get exactly what I'm saying. Please pray for me guys. I'm lucky I've got a great community in my life that is there to support and pray with me. I better call some buds today.
Whew, Day 8. Yesterday was a little rough in the morning. All that crap with my neighbor had my head in all sorts of bad places, but I had a really good convo and prayer with some brothers from church. God really blessed me with perspective, and digging into the Word (Chapters two and three of Proverbs, and Song of Solomon) was really good. Last night, Satan kept tempting me with playing on my loneliness, and trying to get me to think that doing something would be no big deal. I did scan some facebook profiles of friends of friends type thing, but thankfully they weren't long extended visits. But that wasn't helpful. I'm like a guy who's quitting smoking clutching an ashtray to his face. I guess the reality of being single is a lot more acute when I don't have porn and masturbation to dull the sensation. I guess this is where God is really working on me finding contentment with, in, and through Him.
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.”
Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.
Hey brothers. Feeling pretty good this morning. I'm with a bunch of co-workers at a training session, and it's really encouraging. Praise God. :-)
God's grace is good, and new every morning. :-)
It is good, but only by God's grace am I still on this run. I have been facing temptation left and right. I wish I could speak more, but am still at training. Praise God for making me clean and dying for me.
Whew. God is really, really good. But I have to recognize that a big part of the whole no porn thing is boiling down to no time for the internet. I'm moving into a new house, and the roommate and I are going to go with no internet. It's going to be hard, but I think worth some extra level of protection from enslavement. God's grace and mercies are new every morning, brothers. :-) Whew, I'm exhausted from training...
Wooo!! Praise God, baby!
Hmm... not sure what happened with the repeat posts, but yeah. Left training but now I'm at a family vacation. So let's keep hoping for God's grace in all this. It's easy for me to get distracted by good things which can then in turn makes it easier for me to be distracted by bad things...
Had a crazy dream last night, and I wasn't really able to shape it at all. I was just stuck in a place of consuming what was flashing through the dream. In some way it was a grace because it led to some release I guess. It def shows the darkest parts of my heart.
A part that God is busy redeeming in MAJOR ways. I'm grateful for change. Grateful for new life. But now I get rolling, probably won't be posting for a little while here because of being in a little bit o wilderness. Praying for you all, and please continue to pray for me.
Ok, here we are again. I'm not feeling ashamed. Because I am a free man. I won't let Satan send me in a self-pity/loathing tailspin because Christ died for me. I'm not guilty, nor am I going to take that as license to do what I want. Please pray for me brothers because the next few days will probably be killer hard now that I had my orgasm fix.
I'm also worried that I am border line rationalizing it. I was super stressed from a family vacation and really long day of flying back. By God's grace, my computer wouldn't really let me run very well. So I didn't get into porn or anything close (as in how I use myspace or facebook at times). So that's a mercy. I was just really beat down and tired. There were a lot of times over the past week where I was in an unhealthy attitude about looking at women, and I was a little on my own in terms of accountability and encouragement since I was out of town for two weeks. It was tough, and I feel like a sailor who just got back into port.
So here I am starting again, encouraged by God's grace and my need for him. Peace, brothers.
Fighting a lot of head trash. Whispers of, "You can start clean tomorrow." Or just crazy reminders of what sex feels like. Pretty stressful time, but it's good to be home w/my church family. Please keep praying for me everyone.
Pray the I remember what true satisfaction is.
That I remember every single woman is created in the Image of God.
That this is just a fleeting pain, and the relief is only a moment of pleasure.
That the cleaner I can be now, the less baggage I carry when I find my bride.
That I am part of Christ's bride.
That I am a son and heir.
That all this is true because of God's love and sacrifice.
Another day to walk forward. Life is good and God is better. There has def been a war in my brain (in particular about what to do with my eyes). But God is still showering me with love.
Have just started a new book. Am reading "Counterfeit Gods" by Timothy Keller. This would be on the list for all of us struggling with porn. He throws out some really impactful stuff about how we create gods for ourself and they can never fulfill because they aren't God. You might have heard that talk before (I know I had), but he really does show it in some new lights.
That and "Wired for Intimacy: How Pornography Hijacks the Male Brain." I just finished that. Seriously. Read that. Read that. Maybe you aren't a reader. Read that.
Ok. Another day to walk in the light, and remember that I am loved by a good Father. A Father whose love I can never earn. A Father I can never disappoint, but who knows what is best for me and how He created me.
Things are going really well. Not that keeping my eyes/mind pure is any easier, but God's grace is life giving and sustaining. Keep praying brothers. Oh, and I moved into a house with two brothers in Christ, and it has been really encouraging. We also aren't going to have internet in the house which is going to be SUPER helpful. Keep up the fight because this is a battle. Peace and grace.
Way to keep up the good work. It can be great to have no internet access to get off the internet porn. I used to have no internet access at home also. It was nice. The tough part then for me was keeping off the porn at work. I ended up downloading a ton of porn at work on P2P networks to watch at home. Way too risky in hindsight. The key for me has been to make watching porn an unenjoyable experience so that way there's less motivation to watch or download porn no matter what the state of my internet access is. Otherwise, I'd even download internet porn in cafes or at libraries to watch later at home. Ugh. I just sicked myself a little to think I used to download porn in public places. Ick.
Good luck and keep up the good fight.
Take Care,
An Internet Porn Addict
Hey man, thanks for the encouragement and thoughts. It is good to know we are in this fight with others.
I've been super busy which has been good for my mental/spiritual health of staying active. I just want to make sure I don't get overwhelmed and burn out. I suppose that would be a prayer request. I have a tendency to stress myself out, and then retreat to depression and porn. So please pray for continued fight and a healthy pace. Thanks everyone!
Still difficult. But lots of grace, lots of hope. I had some crazy dreams that made me feel gross waking up. Some dreams about friends that just showed my evil heart. That's why I need a savior. :-)
Peace, brothers!
WOOO!!!! Man, I cannot believe how good this has been!! I mean, I think about things only a few months ago, and it felt like this whole fighting porn & masturbation was a losing battle. I didn't think my mind, heart, and eyes would be able to fight beyond a day or two. I kept seeing this cycle of loneliness, pleasure, guilt, depression, loneliness (with lots of mixes of all the above at the same time). Never thought I could taste freedom from it. And even though this is still tough as boot camp, I am really reveling in the freedom!
Keep up the fight, brothers! Keep praying! Keep remembering God's love and hope even when you can't see or feel either! He loves you. He died for you. He doesn't expect anything from you. He knows you are a screw up, and loves you anyway. He has made you new, and you are not a slave to porn. You are not a slave to porn. You can be released.
God's grace is good, and I'm finding the love of friends being a huge encouragement. I'm down visiting my buddy in Texas, and I was pretty excited to go hit up a country western dance bar. However, he was good enough to not pull any punches and say very plainly that the girls in that bar were not going to help me heal.
So I always struggle when I travel with checking out women for some reason. I haven't thought about why that is, but I'm sure there is something deeper going on beyond just my desire to look at pretty girls since I seem to have more fight when I am home.
Well, so far no porn for a very long time and at least 10 days free from masturbating. God is good. Peace brothers.
Whew, I almost fell face down on the masturbation thing last night. It was a tough one, but God pulled me through. I need to really start paying attention to how I'm looking at women because that is fueling how difficult this battle is. Keep on praying brothers!
Day 1 again. I'm pretty angry, but probably for some of the wrong reasons. Like pride. I've been under attack from the Enemy telling me that I'm worthless because of last night, but I'm trying to remind myself desperately that I am a sinner saved by grace alone. Not of works so that I can't boast. It is grace alone that makes me clean. Basically it was late and friends had all gone to sleep. I was watching movies, and then I picked one that I knew had nudity in it. Then after some battle, I caved and masturbated. So Day 1 again. I screw up, and I was wrong. I will not let Satan take that as an open door invitation. This is a battle, and God is my savior.
When you are driving somewhere and you get lost or make a wrong turn do you go all the way back to where you started your journey?
You are deeper and more spiritual than I will ever be and I respect that but I think you are doing yourself a huge ingustice with this counting of days and going back to day 1.
We are here for a long time, in my opinion it is too tall an order to expect that we will live in absolute purity from now till....
You have come a long way and you know it, give yourself some credit for what you have done so far and what you have learned.
We dont live in bubbles with blinders on, if we did it would be a boring place. You know you did wrong and move on, learn from it.
I think you should stop going back to day 1 because I think it is getting easier for you to just write in BACK TO DAY 1. Maybe just reflect on what you have learned good or bad I dont know. Either way I think you are a good man and just want you to enjoy life and not be discouraged by minor set backs.
Peace!!!
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"A fight is not won by one punch, either learn to endure or hire a bodyguard" Bruce Lee