For the longest time I thought I could control my pornography habit. I called it a habit because I was in denial that I was fully addicted. I told myself I could quit anytime and that God was ok with it because at least I wasn't having actual sex. I thought that it was perfectly healthy for a single, unmarried man to express his sexuality through the medium of porn. I thought there was nothing wrong with the images I was seeing. I was lying to myself. At first I was simply looking at glamour shots, pictures of nude women. The images excited me because I had never seen a naked woman before. It wasn't long before simple nude shots no longer excited me as much and I progressed to "soft core" porn available on Cinemax and other late night cable networks. After a while soft core stopped giving me the same adrenaline rush and I moved on to hardcore. For years I was indulged in all manners of hardcore images and videos available on the internet. After a while even the most raunchy, disgusting hardcore acts began to lose their edge. I was searching one night when I stumbled across a website that specialized in female domination/male humiliation. The women on this site posted videos in which they mocked their male viewers for being under endowed. This gave me an intense excitement like never before and introduced me to a whole new underworld of pornography. Out of all the disgusting things to come out of the porn industry this has to be one of the worst. This genre tells a man that his whole worth as a man is tied to his sex organs. In these sites a whole host of male degrading acts take place. The most shocking one I saw was one in which actual humiliated, crying husbands would watch their wives be intimate with other better endowed men right in front of them. I was disgusted by what I saw yet my addiction kept drawing me to it. I didn't realize how much this stuff was affecting me personally until one night when I was talking with a friend. We were speculating what marriage would be like and I told him I was positive my wife would cheat on me because I wouldn't be able to measure up. It was then and there that I realized pornography and especially the male humiliation genre has caused me to reduce my own worth to my private areas. Since then I've been depressed and my thinking has become incredibly flawed. I see myself as a sex object with my entire worth based on how well I stack up to the next guy. I've convinced myself that women will reject me based on my sex organs and that alone. I looked at sex forums where women talked about this subject and I'm afraid to say almost all of it affirmed my new beliefs. I am now terrified of falling in love with any woman because I'm scared of being hurt. I want to warn anyone out there even thinking about immersing themselves in male humiliation pornography to not do it. Trust me when I say it will completely DESTROY your self esteem and self worth. It is important that we look to Jesus for our self worth and not sex/porn. I'm praying that God will heal me of this addiction and help me realize that I am more than just an object.