I am still clean since early Monday morning. but I am so stressed out right now. My car is in the shop still, it's been in there for about 2 months now, my grandfather is paying for it to get fixed, but told the mechanic to take his time on it so that maybe he would give us a break on the price. Grandpa checked on the status of my car and they haven't started on it yet. so I am going to pick it up tomorrow even though it's not fixed. and on top of that, the car I have been using, which is my grandfathers' car, has started having issues with the battery system, we put a new battery in it yesterday, and the light came back on again today so I think it is the alternator. so it's not drivable until we get that fixed. So I had to/got to drive my Brothers car which works fine, but I don't like having to be a burden on them like that. and I have been feeling pretty great lately but today has been really rough. my mind is still made up about the porn but my attitude has been very hard to deal with around my house lately. depression has been very prevalent and today my brother said something and he didn't mean anything by it, but it just hit a nerve and it took me back to the pain and anger from the manipulation abuse I went through 3 years ago.

I am living with my grandpa and my brother and some days I feel like I am trapped here by the circumstances. and my grandfather has been getting on my nerves alot and it is just hard to deal with him sometimes.

I am also having big issues with the pains of loneliness. I don't have a girlfriend and I have been praying about things but I have not heard any answer yet.

so pray for/Keep praying for me in these areas.

Thank you all for being here for us. I means so much to me to have a place to go. I love you all so very much.

First off welcome to the forums just in case you haven't been welcomed yet. Thank you for this encouraging note, don't worry too much about 'em getting too long. mine always do. I need to make note of a typo in my last post that makes a bit of a difference. it was supposed to say "It feels like this cold turkey thing is Not working like I want it to. but I'm not giving up." but I am still fighting, just not very well.

You said absence of fellowship left it's mark, man isn't that the truth. I am going to an Assembly of God church near where i go to college, and I love it there but I live about 20 miles from it and about that much from most anyone who goes there. when school is going I seem to make it ok, because i am able to get out and see people but lately with the gas prices the way they are I haven't been able to get out as much as I would like to or feel like I need to. I make it on Sundays and to the Chi Alpha group on Wednesday nights and i work with some really great people but its only about 2 days a week. and the rest of the time is stuck at home with 2 people who don't see eye to eye with my beliefs which would be my grandfather and brother. we don't talk alot because when we do alot of times it turns into an argument, so I mainly keep to myself unless I am needed. It's kind of like living by myself but with rules and even a curfew type arrangement.

I know what you mean my hating everyone and everything, I am not there as in for hating everyone but my feelings of apathy about alot of things in my life has gone up alot. I am still fighting but lately it feels like I have had no strength of will power to say no to the stuff. i mean I don't want to be the cause of hurting people especially girls, but I was exposed to actual porn when i was in 9th grade and I graduated 10 years ago, but i have been dealing with lustful issues for much longer than that. and it was only the last few years that I actively started fighting against the issue of lustful imagery. so I have years of only slightly to completely unrestricted exposure to the pull of lustful imagery. It's just not going the way I want it to, because the desires that I feel are contrary to when I want to desire.

it's like I want to quit porn, but the stuff that I see when I look, I like it so much that stopping has become a bit of difficulty because of my love-hate relationship with it. I have had alot of rejection in my life and like you I have been pushed away by all of the girls in my life so far, except for one and she seemed to like me but it felt like it was more than what I felt for her. and her mom gave me the creeps. I visited them a couple of times and I couldn't shake the feeling that her mom had plans for me in her daughters life. made me feel like running a little. but God has given me quite a few really great friends, that I don't get the "I am hanging out with you out of pity" feeling so much from. God has even given me some guy friends that if I had a little sister and they were to ask her out I would be able to trust them with her, and I couldn't say that for most of my life. Also God has given me "sister-friends" who are honorable and love God with all their hearts. I don't know if any of them like me in a dating way or not but they are at least there now. In high school my problem was there weren't' any girls who believed the same that I did at least not that I knew of so at the time it was a case of no one to pick from in my picky list of belief compatibility requirements. and now it's the other way around, there are more than I can pick from that meet those requirements and now all I have to do is wait for God to tell me which one and for her to like me. but I have known that I was built for marriage and not built for celibacy for quite a while.

My mother is one of my most trusted advisers, not in a momma's boy type of way but she taught me most of everything I know about God especially when I was younger. alot of times God uses her like a litmus paper test. but I trust her advice. and she thinks that it's not a good idea for me to go into a relationship while I am still fighting this addiction, and I agree with her to a point. I know that pornography has destroyed many marriages but at the same time I realize that being a guy means this fight in some degree will probably go on for a very very long time. and I am not the worlds biggest fan of being single in any way shape or form. and I know that being married does not solve all of those type of problems however having a spiritually legal way to have a healthy flow of the hormones and a loving and reciprocating person to direct these naturally occurring thoughts in a controlled manner towards is sounding better and better every day.

I have been married once before but it didn't work out and she told me to go back home, and so I have an annulment to my name now. not something that I am proud of but it is there nonetheless. but yeah, I do realise that it is not all kicks and giggles, but even during the "can't do anything right" hellhole I was in, God allowed me to take a type of enjoyment in what little pleasure was there. and during that time I had no problem with temptation to the porn at all. (unfortunately the marriage only lasted a month) but during that month I had no temptation at all. so I know it does help alot.

I do want to get married again quite badly but I want it to be God's chosen girl for me. I want Him to choose so badly I haven't even gone on a one on one date since I got back home. and that was over 3 years ago. I have only asked one girl out since then and that was about 3 months ago. nothing came of that girl either. I guess I am afraid of messing up again. and so I play the safe route instead of taking a risk and possibly finding out the the girl I like is not God's girl. I just don't want to disappoint Him like that again. (I know it's weird, this coming from a porn addict.) but I hold marriage in a very high respect that I don't even want to think lightly about it.
I like what you said about your daughters as a compensation for your years of rejection.

I am still fighting but I am in a battle I don't know how to win on a long term basis. I can do pk on a short term but then I start getting bored with things and start trying to think more of a long term and then I get discouraged about the feeling of the threat of not being able to fully get out completely. someday I feel like this monkey is going to be either on my back or nipping at my heels for the rest of my life. I know that God is faithful to save us from every thing, but I fight for a while then run out of energy then I strugle till the next time I am able to make a stand. It feels like I give up for a while then after a bit God does something to get me back on my feet and I am good to go again for a while but then either I get discouraged or the withdrawal symptoms get too much and then I fall again.

I know I need a wife. but I want God to be the one performing the entire operation relating to a marriage. because I don't want fto go through that pain again if there is any way to not do that.
I don't want the best wife in the world. I just want the best wife for me and to be the best husband I can possibly ever be.

and Thank you again Brother Andrew.

Luke:

Wow, man! What a testimony you have now, and what a testimony you will have when this is over! And it will be over, brother; it's just a matter of time...

Let me tell you my story: I'll try to keep it brief. I was raised in a Christian home, both parents saved. I was born-again at age 7. However, we didn't go to church after I was 8, due to a falling out my parents had with the church they'd been attending. Dad tried to supplement church attendance with all the Bible commentaries, sermons on tape, and Bible on cassette that he could, but the absense of fellowship left its mark.

Mom and Dad fought, ALOT. So did we (6) kids. There was a division in the home, with Dad demanding obedience, and mom and the kids rebelling. I was the first child to give my life to Jesus, and over the years, the change was evident. Mom and my siblings did as they pleased, while I more frequently tried to honor my father. As a result, (I think), Mom and siblings turned against me, calling me all kinds of names, and accusing me of "kissing up" to my Dad by following Christ.

Things at school didn't go well, either. I was a smart student, not athletic, not attractive to girls, and (except for the guy they called the class "nerd," whose family were Christians) alone in my faith. I felt very much alone, having faced rejection as far back as 4th grade from girls, and all my peers (including my best friend) were semi-athletic guys who played football during recess while I wandered the playground by myself, or sat on a hill with my back to everyone, trying to numb the pain. At age 9, my older brother introduced me to porn; by age 11, I was hooked.

At age 14, my need for reciprocated love turned to obsession, and I found myself literally stalking a girl to try to win her over. That was my first realization of how bad things had gotten. At age 15, Dad moved out, and the ridicule got worse. My faith got stronger, but so did the pain and rejection. I began to hate everything and everyone. Tired of it all, at age 16, my uncle gave me my first car, and I began to attend church on my own, in hopes of finding the right girl.

I didn't find her, at first. What I did find was some real people, with fervent hearts for winning the unsaved. I went on a miserable date with the church treasurer's daughter, only to later learn that her mother liked me, and had forced her daughter to go out with me. (How's that for a self-esteem builder?) I kept going, and I began to grow spiritually.

At 17, I met the girl who became my wife. I had waited through 5 years of pleading with God (I made a vow of celibacy when I was 12), and had no idea He was going to answer my prayers. It was another 7 months of dedicated prayer and building a friendship with this girl, before I said to God, "Here goes." I asked her out, she talked to her parents about it, and two weeks later, we went out on our first date.

That was 13 years ago; as of last Saturday, we've been married forr 11 of those years. For all the women who've rejected me over the years, God has given me four daughters to call me "Dad".

Here's my word of encouragement: surrender, but don't give up. Follow Christ fervently, with all you got. Dedicate whatever time you can to serving in your local church. At the same time, keep your eyes open, and don't give up hope. While you're serving, be watchful for young women who are faithful, and pray for God to give you discernment over which one might be right for you. It's tough, but be steadfast and patient. I watched and waited and PRAYED for 7 months, before I made my approach. Go into the relationship as a friend, and be willing to remain friends, if it' doesn't work out. From the beginning, be cool, calm, and full of God's grace. Don't be afraid of anything, but ask God to help you set your fears aside. If the relationship continues past dates 1 and 2, avoid private places to keep yourselves pure. (My wife and I learned by date 3 we were physically attracted to each other...) Honor her and her parents, and she will find it easier to honor you. Above all, be yourself and walk together with Christ. The real you is who she will love, so if you're funny, be funny, if you're corny, be corny. Find church activities you can volunteer in together, and participate in a singles group event, if there is one.

I know where you're at, brother: you sound like me, at age 16. The thing you should know, is that marriage for you, IS a need. From what you say, it's obvious you do not have "the gift" of celibacy the Apostle Paul had. You should also know, though, that a wife won't necessarily satisfy your lusts. (If she's gracious, she'll forgive you of them, like mine did for 9 years.) It wasn't until a Promise Keeper's event in 2006 that God gave me victory over the porn. The irony there: as I went down to the prayer tent to ask men to pray that God would remove porn addiction from my life, one man (who was giving me advice) wasn't over porn addiction himself, and the other was blind.

Learn to hate the sin, hate the Devil, feel compassion for porn stars and the horror of what they endure, and make an uncompromising commitment to NEVER turn back. I came to a low point in 2006, but these things seemed to turn me around. God answered my prayers for victory, but I had to make a decision, modeled in Psalm 101:3: "I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me."

I'm praying for you, brother. If you're ever planning to be in Wisconsin, pay me a visit. You can reach me at: generationfive@usa.com . Be sure to mention the ShelleyLubben.com forums in the subject line. God Bless,

Brother Andrew

today was not very good. the withdrawal symptoms I am talking about are more of a chemical nature. because today when I gave in and looked and saw what I saw, it was like my mind and body took a deep almost gasping breath after not breathing for a while, this is how it felt. kind of like when your swimming and you go to the bottom of the pool and swim down there for a while and come up to the surface just before your oxygen runs out. and also it seemed like my mind got quiet when I gave in.

It feels like this cold turkey thing is working like I want it to. but I'm not giving up.

I am so looking to school this fall. that way I can get back to having something to do. and not stuck in my house all the time.

Love you all .

Melted Fish, please don't get offended or take it as a personal attack against you when the moderators and/or administrators edit what you say to make it reader safe, the reason they do it is because some of us are sensitive enough to things that even the wrong words can set off chains of thought that lead to giving in. so they are just doing it in protection of all of us. so Keep posting but just for safety sake do your best to keep it G rated. but please don't take it personally. We do love you like a brother.

And to the Moderators and Admins, Thanks for watching out for us I do appreciate You all so much.

Melted fish, thank you for the advice. I really appreciate you my friend. So your telling me the cold shower thing actually does something. That's amazing. and as for the continued exposure to the triggering media, I am avoiding it as much as possible.

I did fall last night but I am fighting again today so here we go.

Thanks very much

[quote="LJPhoenix"]I am still doing ok, haven't gone back to porn and I have stayed vigilant since June 3 and so it seems to a winning fight, but today and yesterday have been very difficult. the itch or the yearning or the withdrawal symptoms, however you want to call it, they have been very strong the last couple of days almost painful. but I am just doing my best to ignore it. but keep me in your prayers.

Love you all very much.

God bless you in Jesus name.[/quote]
Awesome, Phoenix! You are a champion! Congrats on your success!

A friendly reminder to all:

These forums have been created to be a safe and loving environment with the focus being on healing, recovery and Christ.

The rules clearly state that there will be no rudeness, debating or "yelling" allowed. ;) You are welcome to earnestly discuss the differences in question in the theology and apologetics forum as long as your intentions are good. No debating for debatings sake. There are many other forums on the web for that.

Thank you all for supporting each other so much and so well!

I don't have one.

What I'm offering is legitimate advice to someone who wants to take a certain path in life.

It may not be my path, but I'm going to support them nonetheless. I'm not going to quote Bible scripture, because I don't know what I'd quote, but this is just like if someone says they're becoming a vegetarian, and you go, 'Oh, okay. Eat lentils, because if you're not eating meat, you're going to need the protein'.

Again: I have no problem with people abstaining from pornography, .../especially/ now that I've learned a lot from you guys about what the industry does. I knew it was bad, I never knew it was this bad. Thanks for the eye-opener.

Edit: But, again, this thread isn't about me. [edited by admin] This is about LJPhoenix doing something he feels he needs to do, and I'm going to give help to him if I can.

Alright, well, one, you're going to want your Faith in God.

Secondly, here's the deal: What you're going through right now isn't actually going to go away, if you're referring to the medical condition known as Vasocongestion. "Edited by admin"

That is, whenever you become aroused, but do not actually give into temptation-- by acting out "Edted by admin" Yeah, it's a real medical condition.

You're not interested in the most effective cure, for obvious reasons--but there is another way, and it's...well, it's almost obvious.

Try a cold shower, cold bath--basically, cool the area down. There's a couple theories as to why this works, but if you apply--nothing like /ice/, mind you, but maybe a chilled cloth, not only will you handle the arousal issue, but it'll solve your physical 'withdrawal' problem.

too long, didn't read: long as you keep getting aroused by things, this is going to keep happening, shove cold things down pants until it goes away.

How long until the "withdrawal symptoms" go away. it has been very uncomfortable lately almost to a point of being painful.

I went to the encounter weekend and it was really really good, the addiction didn't bother me the whole time I was gone, but when I got home the temptation started barraging me again. I won't give up because going back to it won't do anything except for make me weakened against it again, and continue to tear at my soul. but multiple times a day it is a fight that feels like I might not win. but I do anyway because I don't want to give up. but I still need my miracle.

I love you all. Please do join me in continuing to hang in there.

I am also missing people like crazy right now. or at least that feeling is very strong right now. It's also like a homesick type of feeling.

Tonight(evening of Friday) and Saturday morning, I am going to an encounter retreat at my best friends church. it is a one on one mentoring style, and I went to it in January as a as one who was getting the mentoring, and this time I am being a mentor. So please please pray that tonight and tomorrow morning is very effective for everyone there. The people at this Church are so very loving and if I didn't already have a church home this would most likely be the one.

Love you all. so much.

I am still doing ok, haven't gone back to porn and I have stayed vigilant since June 3 and so it seems to a winning fight, but today and yesterday have been very difficult. the itch or the yearning or the withdrawal symptoms, however you want to call it, they have been very strong the last couple of days almost painful. but I am just doing my best to ignore it. but keep me in your prayers.

Love you all very much.

God bless you in Jesus name.

so it's been a while since I have posted in this thread. I am ending day 6, and i am reading a book that is helping me immensely. it's taking alot of energy and effort to fight this way, but it's working because it's using the same style of fighting as when I had my good long run, but I am taking it a step further by fighting more with my eyes, like bounding off the things that get me in trouble, and also fighting in my mind, not just trying to block out the bad thoughts, but taking them and taking time to recognize them for what they are and try to figure out what caused them. I still am watching alot of movies but I am very careful about what i let myself watch. and also guarding my heart so that I don't put emotional attachments where they don't belong. but the biggest thing that is helping me is trusting and learning to trust God not just generally about my future but about every individual aspect including my future wife and more importantly my future and current (or lack of) sex life. Knowing that God has every good thing and good ending for me planned for in my life. it is not good for man to be alone. so I know that God has a very good thing for me to come to me, in His perfect timing. so learning to trust to a fuller extent, and to patrol my mind better.

so keep me in your prayers as I keep you in mine. Love you guys so much!!!

Your Brother,

Luke J Phoenix

all of the perverted things that we've done are forgivable and we can recover from them. Some people say that suicide is an unforgivable sin, other people believe it is forgivable. I believe it is very difficult to ask for forgiveness when you're dead, but either way, death is pretty final and God is not through with you, not by a long shot. God can and will and is using us even during the times we are doing the deeds. You are one of the very few people who are reaching out in love and acceptance to people in the Gothic community. There are people who look up to you even in your humanity, they know you mess up, but hey, you have a pulse right? that means we are going to mess up, You are loved because of who you are not what you do.

Don't give up, please. We need you. you are very helpful, effective and very freaking necessary. Love you Bro!!! Seriously!!!

my problem is I think I have always felt rejected by most everyone at some time or another. specifically family.

I know i don't "need" a girlfriend or a wife, but alot of times it would be nice to have someone to hold and hold me and know she loves me and not feel awkward about it. and I will be turning 28 in August, I have been married before, but it only lasted a month, I was too young and so was she, and she told me to leave. but she was also my first girlfriend, she wasn't my girlfriend for very long at all either. so I have had mild exposure to what it can be like but I know it can be so much better, when God is the real center of your relationship. and that is who I am waiting for. but until then I have to learn how to not dwell on it.

I do appreciate you Bro. Don't give up.

I don't know why I use, numb the pain, celebrate, boredom.....all of the above and then some. At times it seems the only way to be free of the obsessive thoughts is to act on them, but the relief from the madness is temporal and leads to more obsessive thoughts. I've been fantasizing about suicide lately, I seriously doubt I would act on it, but I never thought I would've done some of the perverted things I did, and came to think of them as "normal!"

A check up

I have not been doing good at all lately. it feels like I am numb again. I think I use the porn to numb the pain and take up space so the pain does not have room to show up. I got my heart broken back in march and ever since then I haven't had the strength to fight like should, and my desire to fight comes and goes but is more gone than present. I am tired of being lonely, but I don't know what to do about it. I am tired of being in a house with 3 people and still feeling like I am alone. I am tired of having distrust towards people in my family. I love them but I can't remember a time when I felt like I could come and talk to some of them about absolutely anything without them making me feel like that was the wrong thing to do or that's the wrong way. so I just don't talk to my family here, I talk to my mom sometimes, but she hasn't been in the spiritual fighting mood that she used to be in, so it's hard to talk to her like I used to. I have some friends at school that I can talk to about all of everything, but I get worried that they get tired of me saying the same things over and over again. and taking on this pain gets very exhausting after a while. I feel like I am starved for attention, and want to have everyone around all the time, and if I did what i wanted initially I would have or be seeking people to hang out with me all the time. but I don't want to be "that guy" that is so desperate for attention that I wear my welcome out with everyone, so I just push it to the back of my mind. I have alot of friends but very few of them are close. I've always noticed in groups of people or clicks or whatever you want to call them there is always the one person who seems to be there and does not fit in, and has to struggle to find an accepting place to be. I have been that guy for as long as I can remember. but I am closer to fitting in and having people around me that geuinely love me, not out of pity but they actually seem to like me.

Something I need prayer for. I have been going to a church located near my school for about 3 years now, but one of my friends from school, his father is a pastor of a different church. both churches are about the same distance from my home, but my heart is kind of torn between the two churches.

My home church is great but even after 3 years there is only a small group that I feel comfortable with. My head pastor is a great guy but I feel very distant from him. my college pastor is awesome and i feel close to him as a friend but our personality types are very different. He fits into the athletic/jock type group, and I fit into the outcasts/goth/emo group, and I am not athletic at all. I am just fighting a feeling of being out of place. square peg in a round hole type of thing. so please pray that I am where God wants me to be, and that I will be content with that location. Also please pray that I can get/recieve/observe and experience the full effects of the Healing that Jesus paid for. and then I can get free from this depression.

If you are still reading this far down, thank you for your time and I speak a blessing of love and grace and mercy to you and over your entire family right now in Jesus name.

I love you all so much. SO So much!!!!

Tonight at church we talked about being prepared all the time in our lives. like when someone catches you off guard and you have to fight with everything that's in you to not just go off in their face, that kind of preparation. It is not easy to walk in that kind of mental discipline. but it was a great sermon.

I have been doing better than normal the last few days, but I have still slipped up a few times. but I am trying and I am not giving up. I think the reason why it's been a little better is I have been a bit less depressed the last few days. but there are times still that the depression gets so strong and the things that are on my mind and in my heart are so painful that I just want to get my mind off of it and onto anything else. I have been lonely alot lately. I am and have been waiting for a girlfriend for a very long time, but I am afraid or at least hesitant to make any moves without God telling me who and when. God has given me a great spiritual family that as a whole is better than any I could have chosen for myself. I just wish I knew how to better protect my heart from falling for girls who have not been given the ok by God. it's like my heart isn't satisfied with what i have and is always searching for more.

What am I not understanding or doing or seeing or believing that I have this feeling of it's not enough, when my mind and my spirit knows Jesus is all I need . it FEELs like in order for me to feel like Jesus is enough I have to settle for how it feels now. However I know that Jesus is not someone to be Settled for but He is all we need because He is that Awesome. He is more than I could ever want or desire. So why does my heart think it's not enough. I'm thinking it's because I don't have enough of Him, I haven't sought Him deeply enough maybe. I know a few weeks ago it felt like i was so close to a breakthrough of some sort that I could almost taste it. and then something happened and I either don't know what it is, or can't remember what it was.

God please just take me and have your way with me. Show me what you want me to see. Take my mind wherever it is you need it to go, in order for me to believe what it is You have for me to receive. Take my life in this time of solitude and teach me everything I can learn, everything you would have me learn. Take me to a new level of intimacy, deeper than I've ever been before. i am so tired of feeling like i don't fit, or no one wants me. God please take my mind and wipe all of those things, all of the false ideas and false beliefs out of my mind permanently. I am willing to stay single for however long you want even forever if it needs to be as long as you take me closer and tighter and deeper until I don't need the girl or even the thought of her anymore. and please God take away the depression from my life. show me how to fight it correctly. Show me how to love better and more effectively. Help me hear you better and to know it with more certainty when I do hear you. Help me not be afraid of making a move because of the fear of messing up. God I love you and all i want is for me to be where I need to be so that I know, feel, see, trust, and live and walk in the fact that You, my love and my Lord, are the only thing I need, and it not feel like I am just settling for what my "now faith" is living in. God please become a Holy Spirit epidemic and contagion and infect every single cell in my body and bend and mold my mind to the truth of You. completely and totally all the way down to every nook and cranny. I want to be what and who you want me to be. and I don't want anything to stand in the way of it. and i ask these thing in Jesus mighty name!!!

and God I thank you for all of the blessings you have given me in my life, for my friends ans my family. for each and every one of those people who have held my heart in their hand while it was broken and tended to it and mended it. I know you are the one who actually mended it but thank you for their obedience. and Thank you for your mercy, forgiveness and guidance. but most of all, thank you for putting my life together in a way that I am able to believe in you just as much as I can believe in my own mother. Thank you for being real enough to me that I never have to doubt your existence. Thank you for the healing you give me. especially when it is over and over and over again.

Take me deeper Daddy, I want to go as deep as live center and then never come out again. because it hurts alot and I am tired of the pain all the time.

God thank you for letting me come to you at any time. and especially tonight. I ask these things and come to you in Jesus name. amen.

so tonight at churcfh I went and it was like God was preaching directly to me over my current situation. alsmost like I had the feelings and pains written on a billboard sitting right in front of me. it was about clay in the potters hands. when working with clay nothing is final until it is put in the kiln(oven) and up until that point anything can be changed. in Jer. 18 God explains about when He found a imperfection in the unfired clay that He can still crush it back into a single lump of clay and start all over again.

Until the clay has been fired it is never too late.

so all the pain I hae been going through seems to be the crushing and re-lumping of me so God can start molding me over again. and that is encouraging.

Take heart loved ones. We never know how close God is to finishing a work, so don't give up. the end could be right around the corner.

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!

I am not giving up but I am trying a different way of fighting. just avoiding the porn only seems to fix a symptom and recently I tried dating a girl. It went no where, as in never really started. she kind of led me on a bit which didn't help anything, but my problem is my emotions during the time we were talking. I have a habit of rushing headfirst into a relationship and my heart reacts so strongly at the first sign of mutual attraction if I like the girl first. my heart goes full bore before I even get to know a girl, and I either play the wallflower until the feeling passes, which is the normal for me. I haven't been in very many relationships but the few I have been in, it felt like I was trying so hard to keep her I never relaxed into the relationship.I feel like I am searching for a relationship that is secure enough to relax into.

God, as the Father and the Trinity as a whole, is the only relationship I have had in my entire life that I knew would never leave me, who would Always be there for me and with me. who would never leave me or push me away. the only thing I actually need is to wrap my arms around Him and His arms around me and sleep for a very long time. That would finally bring some rest.

I can't relax, I have lived in a state of constant tension and fear in varying degrees for as long as I can remember. I am always in fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and offending someone, because then they leave or push me away. or at least that is the feeling inside even though I don't fully believe that people would actually do that. the house I am living in has been a place of tension and fear for a very long time. I did most of my growing up in this house so I sort of got used to it(God protected me from so much pain that I didn't notice it until I moved out) 6 years later I moved back in and I am noticing things that I was blind to before. that was about 2 1/4 years ago. I am so tired of living in fear and in a fearful tension filled place. I don;t have the money to move out and I feel like God is trying to do something with this because I am in college and I dont have any classes I can take this summer so I will be stuck in my home town and in my home with my grandfather and my brother 24 hours a day except for Church and work. so i am not exactly looking forward to this summer but at the same time my curiosity is peaking. but this is what I am dealing with.

I am checking in, Hello people whom I love very much!!!

the last few days have been rough, actually the last 2.5 weeks or so have been difficult. I refuse to give up. I have made it today ok so far, but i am trying to watch it, because it feels like when I say i am doing good something happens and my will power goes for a swan dive. and then kersplatt and getting back up doesn't usually come easily. but I am hanging in there.

I love you all and I am so proud of each and every one of you. Thank you for praying for me, and keep your heads up Jesus will never give up on you.

Love in Christ,

LJ Phoenix

Will, Keep your head up and Keep trying. Don't ever give up because God will never give up on you!!! We definitely will be praying for you. when you feel yourself getting tired like that, stop and take a break when possible and pray a bit and wash your face. It is very invigorating, it might give you more energy to keep motivated it helps me sometimes. also before you go to bed at night, as God to bless your sleep and your dreams. dreams are the part of your sleep that we get the most rest from. and if you sleep better you will have more energy to fight temptation. and also pray alot. you can pray in your mind while you work. even when you don't have time to read your Bible, pray because it helps so much.

Will, Hang in there my friend, We are here for you and we won't give up on you either. We love you Brother.

I have made it another two days, but i was cleaning my computer off today and I saw some of the old pictures just for a second, but it was just a second too long and I am fighting the urge again. but I am trying to withstand this.

no matter what happens I am not giving up.

I too have been falling.. between work / internet and other challenges in life.. including time to read bible etc.. its a real challenge.. seems like not enought time to do things and when get frustrated/ run down and tired.. temptation comes.

please pray for me everyone.

Godbless.

thanks phoenix we are more than conquer in christ

Checking in again. I made it 2 days then I messed up last night. and today I have made it ok. the pursuit of relationship with the girl I was trying to date has come to an end. and it hurts but I am hoping I can fight better without that temptation. so I am single and available again but only to the girl God chooses for me. please pray that I will be able to hide in God better than I have ever done before. I am tired of pain from leading myself on in relationships and I am even more tired of not knowing how to relax into the relationship. I wish I had an instruction manual or could find scripture references on how to properly court a girl. I am not a fan of dating. actually just pray with me that I will just remember to wait on God to move me, and not start moving myself. When God moves me, its like a perfectly choreographed ballet using drift cars. pretty fast and oh so beautiful. but when I move myself it's like an angry bull in a china store. lots of noise and even more collateral damage. I love you all and i am just in pain right now.

Hello You beautiful people!!! I am still fighting, I didn't make it through today, but tomorrow is another day.

Checking in. not doing very good lately. I am still trying, but it seems to be a minute by minute ordeal. I wish I knew what it was that I needed, what I was looking for. but I am still hanging in there. Love you people alot!

LittleStone! Hey, welcome to the Pink Cross Forums. You are definitely welcome here. We all love you very much and are here for you whenever you need someone to listen and pray with you. Also there is a lot of wisdom here from people with many different lifestyle experiences. Read the testimonies from Shelley and all of the others here. That has helped me as much as anything has.

Rev 12:11 And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb, and because of the word of their testimony; and they loved not their life even unto death.

We love you very much LittleStone!! and God loves you even more!!!

Your friend,

Phoenix

Hi i am new i am facing my giants so thanks for this site . I need jesus evevry day

Jesusfreak007, we will definitely keep you in our prayers buddy. Just pick yourself up and let God clean you off and dust off your shoulders. God will restore you to where he wants you to be, and He wants you to be close to Him and He also has a good plan for your future. You will enjoy it if you let Him take you there.

We all love you Brother. We will be praying for you. You can always come here and feel safe, because there is no judgment allowed here.

NewCreation7 I agree, it is peculiar, but the briefcase analogy is a very very good one. Yeah, I know all about out of control. Today I am feeling better, but I also got to get out of the house and go to school to find my class was cancelled and then I called my mom to find out if she needed anything and I talked with her for a good long while, and then I went to the monday evening prayer meeting and it was good, and then I got to talk to one of my friends who has been going through some stuff. I haven't felt as free to talk to him about anything as I did tonight. i have had a great day. and I am about to give up and call it a day and go to sleep. I was sick early last week, I am feeling much better, but I can tell that I have lost a bit of strength. I walked at a slow pace for about an hour and a half, and I am tired. when I am healthy I can walk for a really long time without it bothering me. I can't run very far at all, but I can walk pretty much without stopping, so I am getting my strength back. but I still have a ways to go. and this is Day one, again. I will try to have a good day two.

i may have posted my pray in the wrong place so i want to asked people to pray for cause i suffer from cybering online looking at nude pics i deleted them and sometimes i watch porn and i am studying to be a preacher and i know i would send people to hell if i tell the about the LORD and i think my calling maybe to tell other men that deal with lust and i also lust after women when i go the mall and wall-mart so please keep me in yalls prayers

LJPhoenix , I slipped today too, on Easter Sunday of all days. Wow, your post describes my feelings exactly. I'm not really sure exactly what it is I'm looking for when I visit porn sites, either. I think its more of a compulsion for me.(like OCD or something) Its like I don't actually want to click those porn links, I just want to see where they go to or something. I don't know, its weird and kind of hard to explain. Its like that game show "Deal Or No Deal" where contestants have to pick the different briefcases and they get to a certain point where they know they should probably quit while they're ahead, but they have this uncontrollable urge to see whats in those other brief cases. Thats the best analogy I can think of. Thats how I am when I go to those porn sites. I'll click a link, then another, and all of a sudden I get into this click frenzy and things start to spin out of control. I mean, don't get me wrong, all the nude women on those sites are definitely appealing to my flesh, but its like the whole time I'm looking at that stuff I'm thinking to myself "What in the world are you doing looking at this filth" ? Its rather peculiar.

I messed up again today, but I have more ammo on my side now. when I look at it, it always seems to take up all the bandwidth and my brother is usually paying an online game and the lag messes him up. so I am trying to stop again with him as an additional reason to quit going there. it is so difficult to stop lately. literally a fight in my mind of the two desires, the desire to quit looking at porn, and the desire to find what ever it is I am looking for. I am not even sure I know what it is that I am actually looking for. I mean yeah there is alot of stuff that I see that I like, but I don't know what I am actually looking for. but I can't give up fighting it. because if I give in all the way, it will probably end up killing me. but I am fighting it right now. its kind of scary, this feeling of not feeling very strong against it.

It just hit me, Saturday, the 22nd, my first day clean again, and Today is Easter, Resurrection Sunday. Happy Sunday everyone!!!!

Also, Everything satan tries to use against us to harm us or curse us God will turn it around and bless us with it.

Praise God because His mercy endures forever and His grace knows no boundaries, and is deeper than anyone could ever go, and is higher than anyone could ever climb.

Don't ever give up on God, He's got you and He is never letting go of you. the last time I went up front for prayer at church, I saw something that got my attention, it was like wrist shackles on my arms and they were welded shut never to be opened or loosed, with really long chains, and the chains did not drag the ground but lifted up through the ceiling, and then I knew what they were. they represented God's hold onto my life. and they aren't just on me. they are on you too if you will just let Him show you. God will not let anything separate you from Him or His love for you. the chains reminded me of the safety chains you attach to the back of your truck if you are pulling a trailer. the hitch is attached firmly, but you hook the chains onto the truck also, so if the hitch happens to slip, you can still pull the trailer long enough to pull over and reattach the trailer. thank God for safety chains.

Also, Everything satan tries to use against us to harm us or curse us God will turn it around and bless us with it.

Praise God because His mercy endures forever and His grace knows no boundaries, and is deeper than anyone could ever go, and is higher than anyone could ever climb.

Don't ever give up on God, He's got you and He is never letting go of you. the last time I went up front for prayer at church, I saw something that got my attention, it was like wrist shackles on my arms and they were welded shut never to be opened or loosed, with really long chains, and the chains did not drag the ground but lifted up through the ceiling, and then I knew what they were. they represented God's hold onto my life. and they aren't just on me. they are on you too if you will just let Him show you. God will not let anything separate you from Him or His love for you. the chains reminded me of the safety chains you attach to the back of your truck if you are pulling a trailer. the hitch is attached firmly, but you hook the chains onto the truck also, so if the hitch happens to slip, you can still pull the trailer long enough to pull over and reattach the trailer. thank God for safety chains.

I slipped today. I've been slipping alot lately,actually. Ever since being free for about a month, then giving in, I haven't been able to go more than a few days without viewing porn. I feel like a complete idiot. This is so absolutely draining. I feel like the life has been sucked right out of me. I hate this so much. (ughh) LJ Phoenix, I can totally identify with the feeling of being numb like you mentioned in one of your previous posts. Thats a perfect way to describe it; its just total numbness in the very core of your being. I feel so disappointed with myself. I feel like God is disappointed with me too, even though I know He is not. He knew I was going to give in to the flesh today, and He still loves and accepts me anyway. I'm not giving up, I've just been feeling pretty rotten lately. I will never give up. I will be free from this, completely free, once and for all, forever, by the grace of Almighty God. The Lord never wastes our pain. He will use it for good and to bring Him glory.

Update on my status. I get to start over again from this point and learn from my mistakes and try again, with new tactics. :) Today is the end of day one. I had the greatest day today, I got up and the day started out so rough, my grandfather was in a bad mood and at breakfast, we got in an argument, and that is never fun especially at the table. but i got around and I got to work and this is where the day turned around. I would have been about 3 minutes late, but when I got there, I found out I wasn't supposed to be there until an hour later. so I had some time to go do stuff. last night I went to go get my friend some flowers. I would love to call her my girlfriend but she has not said that she was that yet, so out of respect I refer to her as my friend whom I am sort of dating. So I went and picked out a vase with 3 roses, and I went to take it to her dorm and the front door was locked and there was no one at the desk. I was disappointed, I wanted to surprise her with the roses, but I couldn't get them to her last night. I left them in my car on the passenger side floorboard. today when I found out i was early I went outside and called her and she answered, and i was able to take the flowers to her, and the middle rose had opened very beautifully. Last night it was all closed and boring looking, and today I noticed it was open and beautiful. and I got to see her. it has been so long since I had seen her, I get to talk to her on myspace every once and a while but I rarely get to see her face to face. She seems to get more beautiful every time I see her. I really look forward to us getting to know each other much better. that way I can find out how she really feels about me. but yeah, I had a great day after I got to work the first time. and I got to see her again before i came home for the day. Happy happy day. God is so good, I was nervous as all get out yesterday when picking out the roses, but God knew what He was doing. God always knows.

God has been working on my patience alot with this girl situation. I hope I am listening close enough to God so I will let Him coach me through this process. and I am praying for her protection as well as the protection the the girl that God has chosen for me if this girl is not the one. and I am praying for confirmation on this issue.

but this is day one of round 2. BING BING goes the bell. time to fight smarter. and with 2 chainsaws, one labeled the Blood of the Lamb and the other one labeled, the word of my Testimony. Look out its going to get messy. *grins widely*

I love all of you so much!!! thank you for your encouragement.

[quote="LJPhoenix"]one of the main problems i have been having lately is bad memories. I was married for a very brief time almost 3 years ago, it only lasted a month and it took forever to get over the pain of the rejection and some mental trauma that occurred from another couple. I have moved on to the best of my abilities and forgiven all who were involved and asked for my own forgiveness. but while I was married I was intimate with my wife and some of those memories still creep up at times. and it is very uncomfortable at times and even comes to the point of having strange body aches. I have ignored it to the best of my abilities and will continue to do so. but some relief would be nice. so please pray for me about these things.

I was a virgin until my wedding night, and after our annulment I resumed the celibacy and will continue to do so until the wedding night of the one God has intended for me, whom I don't know if I have met yet. I am waiting on her and on God's confirmation that she is in fact the one.

I love you all very much!!

Luke[/quote]
LJ Phoenix
This may help, pray to God that he protects the woman that you are going to marry. There are times I feel down whenever I see a young couple together. I try not to let that get to me. Instead, I seek that God protects the woman I am going to marry. There is a time and place when both of you are going to meet.

I've had the same issues with internet filters. Most of the ones I've tried I managed to get around. What I finally ended up doing was using a filter called Safe Eyes. I have it configured to where it will only let me access web sites that are on a list that my accountability partner and I have agreed on. It will not allow ANY sites that aren't on the list. He has the password, so I couldn't change the settings if I wanted to. I have a few sites that I use a lot on my list and for everything else I go to the library where there are lots of people around. It is inconvenient in that I some times have to wait a day or two to look at some sites, but I can eventually look any legitimate site and (most importantly) it has kept me 100% free from internet porn for quite some time now. To me the inconvenience is well worth it. No matter how badly I wanted to - I was unable to stay away from internet porn if there was any opportunity whatsoever for me to access it.

I hope so Brother, try to keep me from catching up to you and I will try not to fall any further behind you hehe :)

I have tried internet filters before and the only thing they did was give me a challenge to try to find the loopholes and alternate entrances to sites. sometimes it was more fun to me to see what I could get into with the filter on just to figure out ways to bypass it. kind of like a professional safe opener(cracker). What it means is, I have to truly want to quit before I get any success, I have to fight this fight in my head first and then I can win it on my computer. and there are some friends that are on places like myspace or facebook, that this is the only method I have of getting in contact with them. but something that is helping when I am not so far depressed that I no longer care, is I have the X3watch on my computer, and I have 2 of my best friends listed as accountability partners, but I still have to want to fight it because one time I fell and it didn't notify them of this place so I still have to be careful. there is no perfect filter, they are either too easy to get around or they are too strict and even filter things that arent necessary. so they help but you still have to want to quit.

The thing I like about the X3watch is the part where if the place you are visiting is recognized as a porn site, although it doesn't stop you from going to that site, it does notify your accountability partners of where you've been. and then they gently confront you about it with Christ like love, and it makes it much easier to stay on the right path. I really like it.

just a thought phoenix man, but have you thought about getting an internet filter? or use a wireless usb to connect and have someone keep it from you unless they're going to be in the room or nearby while your online? dont know how practical it would be for you but thats what im doing. if its possible, i dunno, maybe u even would want to cut the internet? "if your eye causes you to sin..." anyway take care and dont get discouraged w/e you do man. neway been free like 16 days now and its so nice:D, and now finally i caught up to you phoenix. hopefully u wont catch me now and will always be 16 days behind me lol :P

Any time my friend. I am so for you, and so are many others.

BIG HUGS to Theophilus. MEGA BIG HUGS!!!! Thank you for the encouragement. There are so many great warriors here. I appreciate you all so much.

I refuse to give up, I will not stay down, even if I have to learn to bounce like a superball I will get back up.

I love you people so much. so so much

Hey guys,

I know a lot of you have been struggling lately. I have too. I haven't shared much about myself here, but I'm a sex addict too. I slipped several times last week after having done well for awhile. It is so painful.

I've been following your posts and wanted to offer up a few words of encouragement. I know that you guys probably already know everything I am going to say but I know it helps me to be reminded.

LJPhoniex - I'm really sorry that you are having a tough time. You have been such a HUGE encouragement to so many people on the site, me included, and I just want to take a moment to encourage you. God did begin a work in you on Dec. 26th. Probably well before that. This is just a hiccup. You are not back at square one. You are going to make it.

Candlemass- I don't know you, but I have such a heart for you. I've been following your posts. God is going to get you through this. I believe He is the one behind the dissatisfaction with the whole band thing - He has better things for you!

Gollymart19 & Newcraeaion7 - I am pulling for you guys. God is working in your hearts - don't give up!

Guys, the fact that we even want to get free is a significant victory. The vast majority of humanity could care less about sin or how God feels about their actions. The fact that you do is so beautiful to God. Don't be discouraged. He is the one who has placed the desire in your heart to get free. He will be faithful to complete the work He began in us if we don't quit (Philippians 1:6).

God so loves and desires each one of you! He longs for you, the burning heart of the uncreated God burns with desire and passion for you. He wants you as His intimate partner forever. He has a holy obsession about you. He laid aside the form of God and died a shameful death on the cross to purchase you.

No matter how many times a day we blow it, or even how badly we blow it I am comforted by the knowledge that when we sincerely seek God's forgiveness and reset our hearts to fight this we are completely and totally forgiven and given a fresh start. There is absolutely no way that you can overwhelm God's love for you by your sin. None of us are truly hopeless.

Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I hope in Him!" Lamentations 3:22-24

The fact that you guys are confessing your sins and getting real (at least here on the website if not with others) is also so huge! When we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

The day we were born again we were declared pure and clean before God as a free gift (righteousness of God). We are declared as righteous (clean before God) as Jesus is. It is a righteousness that can not be improved on. That righteousness is renewed every time we sincerely repent. In other words, everything that hinders God’s affections towards us and that directs His wrath to us is removed. Every legal hindrance that would keep God from receiving us is removed forever.

The enemy tells us two lies. First, that we have gone too far to be forgiven. Second, that our sin is too strong to overcome. We declare Matthew 12:20 to him:

A bruised reed He will not break, and smoking flax He will not quench, till He sends forth justice to victory… Matthew 12:20

NO MATTER HOW BROKEN OR MESSED UP WE ARE GOD WON'T GIVE UP ON US! HE will never leave us or forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). Guys the ONLY way we can fail is if we quit. I know it's hard but it's going to be so worth it.

35 Therefore do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. 36 For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. 37 For,
“Yet a little while,
And the coming one will come and will not delay;
38 but my righteous one shall live by faith,
And if he shrinks back,
My soul has no pleasure in him."
39 But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who have faith and preserve their souls. Hebrews 10:35-39

-Theophilus

I fell again tonight/earlier today, however you want to look at it. it's 5:06 am and I have not gone to bed yet, Thank you spring break. I have got to get out of the house soon. I am glad I get to go to work friday. Thank God for Friday. I hope tomorrow goes better.

yeah. but something that is helping today is the part about telling the girl I am dating. I want to just call her my girlfriend but at this point I still feel like that would be an assumption, becuase I don't really know how she feels about me. It was so hard to tell her. so if she judges me she judges me, but if she doesn't, which I don't think she will, she is definitely keeper material. I am so proud of her, she studies very hard, and she is involved in the student government. and so she has been very busy doing all of that. and i haven't gotten to see her in a long while. But she is a great encouragement. God is blessing me so much.

last night after I fell, I told people here and some friends and the girl about it. and then out of the blue one of my friends on myspace sent a Godsend of a comment and it was so encouraging.

[quote="LJPhoenix"]I know that what you feed lives and what you starve dies. but how long is it going to take for this to just keel over. I mean good grief, since I gave in yesterday it has been like it was before I got free, I have has to constantly be walking away from stuff or I feel like going back to it.[/quote]
It seems that way to me as well, whenever I've had some lasting sobriety and then fall, seems to be par for the course w/most addicts. When we let it back in, the poison is back in our souls, not so easy to let go of again, for many of us, this is going to be a life-long battle.

I know that what you feed lives and what you starve dies. but how long is it going to take for this to just keel over. I mean good grief, since I gave in yesterday it has been like it was before I got free, I have has to constantly be walking away from stuff or I feel like going back to it. and I don't know what to do. I mean, I reported into this place to tell of the mishap last night, and I also told my guys about it, but the hardest thing I did was tell the girl I am dating, and I haven't been able to talk to her in a few days so I messaged her about it. she hasn't checked her messages in a few days either. She is just so busy that I am having to keep my hopes up and not give up to discouragement. and I don't really know how she is going to take this. I don't think she will get too mad but I just haven't been able to see her in quite a while. I miss her so much. She said that next week she should have more time. so I am just trying to hang on till then.